Neko

I know you feel like breaking down sometimes. It gets hard to breathe. The world spins. You feel shaky. Your eyes water. You feel like maybe you can't live tomorrow, not to mention the rest of the long life you have left. You aren't good enough. You can't do anything right. And, you know this sounds like the emo-est clique-est, hormonal teenager thing to say, but you live inside of yourself, and no one seems to know or understand the real you. And the real you screams to be understood, to be loved wholey and truly. To feel belonging. To feel what everyone else around seems to have found and feels. And you can't figure it out. You can't figure out what it is that's wrong with you. You're mean spirit? That you're secretly filled with jealous loathing? That, deep down inside, you are far away from being the type of person you want to be and want others to think you are? Walking around with a mask? Ok, stop for a second. Please. Take a deep breath. Picture the last time you laughed. Now listen to me. You exist in that laugh. Now feel those tears that stream. You exist in those tears. Now think of someone close to you whom you have hurt. You exisit in that hurt. Now, just to balance it out, think about all the love you have given to the people around you. You, my dear friend, exist in that love very much. Still listening? Feeling a little self conceited? Undeserving of exisitng in that love? Like you're a fake? Truth is, you're far away from it. You are made of flesh and blood. And, it's ok that you cry, and you hate, and you love. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to be someone for someone else. Let me tell you, you are not undeserving. You are one. A whole. A soul. A soul that is living. That is imperfect. BUt never let anyone tell you you're imperfect...besides me, because imperfect is perfect. That one you hate, she cried about the same thing you cried about last night. She felt the same anger, hate, and hurt you felt. So did everyone else who is perfect. Perfectly imperfect. Flesh and blood. Hate, but love. Laughter and tears. It isn't a contradiction. It's being human. I'ts being real. I'ts being perfect. To me, you're perfect. Don't let anyone else ever tell you any different.

The intensity of it all feels unlike anything else... or at least I remember the feeling looking back. Nothng will ever be the real one. I subconciously stop anything that comes within 41298472891479218 km of it. Not because it wasn't worth it.... only because it hurt much too immensely. And it still does, is, will. I believe I will perhaps never be able to feel the same quesy way nor be able to see that sparkling air or that rosey hue. A part of me isn't sure if it was just the hormones at thier most peak or something beyond. I think it was both. But it wasn't the hormones... it was you. Just you, just you and your golden heart. Inside, my heart is now quite frozen solid. I cannot feel any of it any longer. And seeing that face now only brings sadness. The rest of the time I find myself staring into space, drifting apart from the laughter and the conversation, simply mindless and frozen. I do not have any profound thoughts of which I comtemplate during these times to write about here. All I can comprehend is that the hurt is an... empty hurt. A hollow, useless, rotten, tumbleweed-drifitng hurt. Some kind of hurt i can honestly say i have never in my entire life felt. I am quite hopeless now. I believe that it will never happen for me, that my destiny is simply to be in the background, admiring the happiness of loved ones, realizing that all good people eventually get happiness. I know that no other boy will feel for me. I know it will never be the same. I truly thought you were the boy. During some of those naivity soaked fridays when I had just finished my route and those lunches after you'd said a word or two in drama, i had believed it. But it is simply just quite untrue... and will always, i think, remain untrue.  I'm too different... two away from everyone, too alien like, too un-girly like... to just separated. I cannot explain my circumstance or my feelings for you. I'm not really special or smart or wise or beautiful or talented. I'm just separate. So, if I could just talk to the old you... the you who cared enough... the old you that was just a really nice and cute guy, i would tell you. But you are different. With facial hair and a pretty girlfriend with whom you are deeply in love with. But still heart-breakingly the same. I was so for right about you, it hurts. So... much too late. You'll see me in the hallways... looking down, sad, alone. That is just me. Maybe you dodged a bullet? I think you did. Just keep away. if you  are sensing me in any way right now, just keep away. If you're feeling sorry, maybe just flash me a humble smile. That's it. Thanks. I'm fucking messed up. I'm not in it. I hope you are very happy with her. I can tell that you are.  

   I feel like I should be happier right now, as I'm about to turn 16. But I am not. The astrology was saying that this year would be one of my best and in reality... yes good has come from it, alot of good no doubt, but great sadness, sadness that seems to be able to trump the good, has taken over. I am always asking why that happened, and why this happened, the purpose of it, the thing I was suppose to learn, but this one is different. For this I do not ask but know. And that is the worst about this. I know, and cannot question any further. I simply have to live with it. This was different. Unlike any of the rest of the shit that came along. Yes, I know what it is and how it feels, but the fact that I now know does not ease the pain. Not at all. And I'll say and lacrimate over this for the 600th (and some) time, but i do not think it will hurt any else even when I am 80 years old in my attic, looking through a box of old stuff from childhood,  and flipping through a yearbook from highschool. I am quite sure this same great sadness will come clouding  over me and will tear my heart a little just as it has done now. Is that not very scary? Yeah. It flipping is. No one to tell me it'll get better. Not one to tell me it'll easy away. No one. You just learn to live with it and go on, right? Laugh when something funny happens, cry for something sad, smile in between as much as you can, and just try to shove it away. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Desperate hope calls for desperate reality checks. Desperate emotions call for desperate fillers. Desperation is a bitch. I really can't be good enough, because if I was, right now would be different. I am never good enough. I'm sorry bapi, that i cannot be like every other child, I'm sry i can't forgive, ma. No matter how fucked up both of you are, you deserve better. I'm sorry i cannot control my emotions, and I'm sorry my mind is not rational enough. i'm sry, cardinal, that i did not stop myself from falling and I complicated things, and I made you feel bad, uncomfortable, confused. I am truly sry to you. I am truly sry i cannot be good enough.    

I'm turning 16 and leaving it all behind. Cause that's life. everything changes. i don't get what i want. i move on. life. *sigh*

I know that everything has changed. I can feel it. And a whole new batch of experiences are on the horizon. I'm on my last years of being able to claim that I'm still a kid, before i have to completely pack up the life i've lead here in this town that i've strangely grown to love with all my heart and set myself up for being on my own and becoming a real adult. And I'm not scared of doing that... just sad about having to leave this behind. A part of it has already gone, changed. I'm bigger now. I seem to know more now. I definetly don't have things figured out and all that bullshit. But I know how things feel now. I am NOT going to claim that one of those things is love or the heart break of having to let go of love, because... well, i haven't even come close, even though back then, when everything was a bit simpler, i told myself i did. I know something has changed. Something has really changed. I don't know what it is. I cannot put my finger on it. But... i know things are different now. Not that's bad... or good. Just... different.  

   In those moments when I'm right in between and nothing is going too fast or too slow, I walk a little slower. I breathe in the air that is around me and relish being exactly in this time. Because, for all I know, by tomorrow it could all just fall apart. Just as it has happened many a time before. Without warning... but only a feeling like somehting was going to change.  I stop to take a longer look at the night sky and the waving trees. All of it exudes a calming and peaceful liveliness. I allow myself to feel the cool breeze brush againt my face. It is like, in this moment, everything is fine. I know that not everything is as I want it to be but I also know that it could all be much worse. So... I appreciate the smooth state of uneventful all around me. It gives me time to slap myself back into the real life. That real life where you realize you've actually got it pretty ok. And, this isn't even you lying to yourself and shoving back hidden hurt just for temporary relief. It's really just a weird in between stage of contentment. And... you know that with the next step that you take it all might change. Some way, some how... so you walk a little slower. You smile a little smile. You remember to take it easy.

I don't want everything to change. I don't want me to change. I want it back to how it used to all feel. When all of it was new and not rotted. I want to feel that winter again, relive those laughs, walk with those people, smile the same way, be the same person, and feel those hopeful butterflies. I know I cling on to things even when I should let it all loose. I know I can't stand reality. I know I live inside my head. But I don't want things to feel so out of whack, even if it is how it is. IT'S ALL OUT OF WHACK. IT'S ALL MESSED UP. IT'S ALL GONE. oh god, I dont even know what this is. I don't know what I am feeling! I cannot explain. I just need help. And air. I just need to feel it all again.